Today we are going to talk about a phenomenon in intimate relationships that is as ubiquitous as it is insidious. That phenomenon is the idea of “if my partner will let me.” We’re sure you’ve come across this in your day-to-day conversations in some way, shape or form. “Hey, do you want to go golfing this weekend?” “I’d love to but I need to check and see if the wife will let me.” “Hey, do you want to come out to the Belly Up with me and some friends tonight?” “Yeah, but I need to see if my husband will let me.”
These comments are commonly accompanied by body language signifying a joke, but sometimes they are accompanied by an eyeroll or look of annoyance as well. “My wife/husband would never let me do ‘XYZ,’” also is a common phrase, along with, “there is ‘noooo waaaay’ my wife/husband would ever let me do that.”
This propensity to put the onus of one’s autonomy onto the shoulders of a partner is far more damaging to intimate relationships than we might realize. Even in the context of a joke, the underlying issue still remains that we, as a culture, have accepted this notion that our autonomy is held captive by our intimate partner.
And even worse is our tendency to believe that’s just the way it is. We’ve heard time and time again that marriage and commitment equals a loss of freedom and a relinquishing of one's own ability to have his or her needs met. Subsequently, it’s the end of fun and adventure. Underneath these all-too-common jokes is a victim-like mentality propagated by people who are unwilling to take their lives into their own hands and create a relationship where it’s perfectly acceptable for each person to advocate for themselves.
The language of “let me” is parent/child language. “I can’t go out and play today because my mom won’t let me.” We can’t be surprised at the rampant amount of sexless marriages and an infidelity rate currently estimated at 75% of modern relationships, when it’s normal to turn your partner into your Mommy or Daddy and your gatekeeper. This kind of mentality breeds resentment and/or complacency. Once a person has lost the ability to make their own decisions and advocate for themselves, they’ll either start doing it in secret, start hating the person they’ve allowed themselves to give their authority to or just let themselves go — only to slowly degenerate into lackluster versions of themselves.
This isn’t to say that the remedy is just to do whatever the heck you want, whenever you want to. Taking your partner's feelings into account about your decisions, schedules and household/familial responsibilities is necessary to create a thriving relationship. But this is not the same thing as relating to your partner as an authority who will either “let you” do something or not.
The remedy for this is actually to understand that a thriving relationship consists of two autonomous individuals who are both working to create something better than the sum of their parts. And in order to do that, the autonomy of both individuals needs to remain intact. Only then can each person have the real freedom to operate in service of the relationship. Prioritizing your relationship over yourself requires the freedom to choose to do so, versus a feeling of obligation — or worse — a perceived lack of permission to choose otherwise.
The key word here is “choice.” Healthy relationships require that each member of the relationship maintains the power to choose. To choose the other. To choose the relationship. And to choose themselves. Over and over again — for all three. Sometimes what is best for a relationship is choosing to do something for oneself; and sometimes it’s choosing to do something that is in the best interest of the relationship and not for oneself. It’s nearly impossible to know the difference between the two if each individual's ability to choose freely falls to the wayside.
It’s fascinating how normal it is for people to relinquish to their partner their own power of choice. We must stop accepting this as the norm in our culture if we want our relationships to evolve beyond a 50% divorce rate and a 75% infidelity rate. Instead, we have to create the space inside our relationships where we can advocate for our own needs and profoundly care about our partner’s needs, even if they are not our own.
So, if you are somebody that jokes about your partner “not letting” you do something, stop making those jokes right now. They are damaging your relationship far more than you realize. Instead, have a conversation with your partner about whatever dynamic you feel is keeping you from doing what you choose. Then also ask them if there is anything they feel they can’t do unless you “let them.”
Sally and Zach Maxwell, owners of Max-Well Coaching, are Aspen residents and have a combined three decades of coaching experience and two decades together in marriage. Email your questions to sally@max-wellcoaching.com.
